Middle of March...somewhere

Life has been a rough struggle as I was laid off from my job for 2 weeks due to work being slow and currently we are going to be at 6 weeks off in a few days. I felt blessed when I was laid off in a way because the following week mom was going to get her test results in Houston at MD Anderson. I had never flown & desperately wanted to go and experience this hospital and wonderful doctors that her and daddy had spoken of. Mom's sister-in-law was supposed to go but I insisted I was going instead. She had already gone with my momma once and this was my one and only chance because mom is declining. I wanted this time to spend with my momma as well. I was able to go and I had a good time with my momma. We didn't get good results but we all knew they were going to be bad we just didn't expect them to be that bad! The first 2 weeks after we arrived back home I really did not much but sleep A LOT! Friends & family told me that I needed to do something cause depression was getting me. I have been depressed before so it is nothing new but I have gone through so much in the last few years it has all just piled up on me. I have spend nearly every night at my parents house. Mom and I usually have dinner every night. The last week and a half I have cooked all but a few meals. Mom decided she was going back to work. Yes I believe that it will be good for her to get out of the house but not to be on her feet. The DR wasn't happy about it but said she could but no more than 20 hours per week! Mom went back and since she has gone back I have watched a steady decline in her health! I HATE IT! It is the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. I watched both of my grandmothers die, I have gone through a bad divorce & I found a 12 year old dead after he committed suicide and I thought those things were the end of my world but watching my mom suffer is hands down the hardest thing! Daddy says he believes mom going back to work is her way of having somewhat of a "normal" life. I AGREE! I am thankful for the time I have had with my mom and she is truly my best friend but I pray that she doesn't have to suffer in pain. So far we are "okay" and she is tolerating it without pain killers. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers!

Feb. 2009 (MOMMA UPDATE)

WELL ..... here we go again! I guess I will start from the beginning. Mom went last week and had her tests ran and she had to go back on Monday of this week and get the results. Since I have never been to Houston or flown before and I was off work for this week I had the opportunity to go. I was really excited but very nervous....

My first flight in my life I ended up flying in a storm! It was a rough and scary flight for sure. We arrived one hour behind schedule due to the weather and the rough flight. We arrived at the hospital (M.D. Anderson) and got checked in. Mom's doctor (Dr. Glover) called us back and was very wonderful. She is the sweetest person. She sat down with us and was very sincere with the way she delivered the news.

Mom's cancer was diagnosed on Feb. 5, 2007. Joplin doctors did the tests and found a tumor in the rectal area. They stated there was not much they could do for her besides just "routine" treatment but she would never make it. They at first said it didn't look like her cancer was progressed very much and probably hadn't spread but that was not the case. Once more tests were run by the doctors in Joplin we found out that there were a few spots on her liver too. We got a second opinion in Houston at M.D. Anderson and we found out that she was mis-diagnosed and she had a rare & aggressive tumor in the walls of her rectum. The tests also did show that she did in fact have it in her liver too. Anytime cancer has moved from the rectal/anal area to the liver....most of the time makes it a stage 4 which is not good! After lots of treatment mom was given the remission statement! YAY.....especially since we were told with her stage of cancer she had 6-18 months to live. For a few months we were really pleased and estatic! Mom then began to lose lots of weight and get really worn out. When it was time to re-test my daddy and I had already discussed that we knew it was back with the way she is acting. SURE ENOUGH!!! It is back and now they have found a spot in her lung but is not thinking it is cancer....they think it is "debris". Since she has started treatment again it seems the cancer has just gained so much strength that nothing is working to fight it off.

MOVING FORWARD

In November after several months of different types of treatment and nothing working and the cancer growing at a very slow pace the doctors had run out of options with treatment. They told momma & daddy that the "FIGHT WAS OVER!" They suggested to go off of chemo and spend the last few months to the fullest. They said these would be the last holidays and to enjoy them and take lots of pictures and make memories for a lifetime. MOM REFUSED! She refuses to stop treatment and says she can't just give up cause she has grandchildren to watch grow up. She continues to take treatment when her blood counts are good enough.

CURRENT TEST RESULTS:

Well the tests show that her tumor in her rectum that has kept dormant since the remission statement (almost a year) has now came back to life and is growing again. They have recommended to do another colon scope to check and see what is going on with that tumor. The tumor in her liver is much, much bigger! The spot that they thought for the last several months in her lung that was debris has now grown and another spot has now shown up too. They are now saying it is indeed cancer not "debris".

Looks like the less than 6 months to live statement in November is now seeming to be the truth. Yes we all hope for the best but we can't run from the truth! If I continue to deny what is happening I will need more than a little help when the end is here. I am not very religious but have became more within the last 6-12 months. Not only because of mom's health but the music of Jared Bayless has opened my mind up to the topic. I have listened to his music a lot lately and I find it powerful and healing!!! Please check out his music at www.myspace.com/jaredbayless or www.jaredbaylessmusic.com. I would love for him to come to Joplin, Missouri for a concert and so I can finally meet him & his clan. (ROBB especially)

Well that is the news......Not the best!

Beginning a new week

It is now Sunday evening and I have pretty much laid around the house the entire weekend with my daughter. It is so stinkin' cold outside it is just easier and more comfy to stay in the comforts of your own home if you are able to do so. Life really hasn't changed much since the last time I posted a blog. I am still working at Precious Moments and really enjoying my time there. I have had the opportunity to unload the large shipments off of the 40 foot trailers this past week. Thank goodness the weather was nice so I was able to enjoy that too. We were not in the building that I normally work in. We were down the street at the bus barn unloading the boxes and putting them on pallets and they guys were putting them up in the barn when the pallet was full. Needless to say my muscles are still talking to me! I busted a blood vessel on the inside of my hand while I was catching the boxes to put them on the pallet. I guess after 2,000 boxes the vessel couldn't handle the pressure of those boxes pounding against it. It really hurt for a few days but I think it is pretty much healed now.
I am still dating Brent and that is going really well. I am still in shock of how amazing he is and how great he treats me! If every man treated women like this there would not be a word such as DIVORCE! We went on our second date and we went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner and then to his place to watch a movie. We watched 300 .... it was okay but not one of those movies that were just amazing to me! LOL but it was good hanging out with him in his element! I got home a little later than expected so it made or a rough day at work the next day! Our third date was actually kind of a "family date" I guess you would call it. He ordered pizza and had the Disney movie Bolt for Averi & I to watch. This was Averi's first time meeting him without the group setting like we had a Logan's about a month ago. She was pretty jealous and didn't want me to spend time with him. At first she didn't mind it and played with the dogs but once the movie started she wanted me to give her all the attention. This is going to be harder than I thought it would be but spending the rest of the weekend just her and I made her feel better about still being mommy's #1! I get to talk to Brent everyday either throuh myspace messaging or he calls and that seems to be working for the most part. It is getting us familiar with each other and helping us be more comfortable with each other.
I started reading a new book called "90 minutes in heaven" It is a true story about a pastor that was in a deadly car accident and was prounounced dead for over an hour and ended up coming back to life. He tells his story about what he witnessed and the struggle of healing for him. I am halfway through the book and I have really enjoyed it so far. For anyone who is religious and believes in the power of prayer would really enjoy this book! It has brought tears to my eyes several times! It isn't a super long book either.

Hope everyone is doing well. Hope to talk to you guys soon!

Love ya'll,
~Misti Diane~

Life continues....

Well haven't exactly kept up with this thing since my computer was gone. I have recently replaced it but had a lot of problems getting it up and going again but I now have it! YAY....THANKS TO MY UNCLE BOB AND HIS HARD DEDICATION TO FIX MY NEW COMPUTER SO I COULD USE IT! So here I am once again. I am working at Precious Moments in Carthage, MO since before Christmas. I enjoy it! I am working through the temp. agency though. Never know if it is going to stay temp. and they will let you go when they no longer need you or if they are going to just hire you on full time through the company.

The weather is super cold here and I cannot wait for spring time. I am ready for warmer weather and beautiful outdoor colors! This bold & cold of winter has got to go soon. The sooner the better for all I am concerned.

I am in the process of trying to get people known with a newer Christian musician named Jared Bayless. I love his beautiful voice and his lyrics are very powerful. I am not all that religious compared to others but I truly LOVE his work. I would love for him to be able to come to Joplin to do a show! I would like you to visit his myspace page at www.myspace.com/jaredbayless or www.jaredbaylessmusic.com. HELP ME BRING HIM TO JOPLIN, MO PLEASE!!!

Last night, January 15, 2009 was my first date with Brent. We went and watched a movie and then went to dinner at a place he works in the evenings part-time. You should have seen those high school girls staring at us! Not sure what the deal was but my friend Adrienne said it was probably that they have a crush on him and are jealous that he was with another girl. LOL You gotta love high school drama! I had a good time with Brent. He was a PERFECT gentleman the entire night! When he opened every door for me I was in complete shock! Guys in this day and age don't exactly do that anymore. He keeps this sweet guy personality going he will have me spoiled and ruined for any possible relationships in the future. He is setting the bar high!!! :)

I have had a lot of time to reflect on life and the future lately. I now live alone since I got in a HUGE fight with my brothers girlfriend on my birthday. NEEDLESS to say she moved out that night and my brother was gone the next night. Got to bring in the new year with my daughter in a quiet house! WHAT A CHANGE! I like to think that life feels like it is getting better. I sure hope it is for goodness sakes. I am spending quality time with my family, working full time at a place I enjoy, less stress, quiet house, great friends & now Brent....What more could I ask for? Gosh, I know that a few weeks ago I didn't feel this good. I want this feeling to stay for as long as possible. I am ready for a change and I think that I am finally getting there!!! Let's keep praying for the best.

Hope you guys are enjoying yourselves!!!

~Misti Diane~

Very odd day!

Today was a decent day. I was able to wake up with my daughter next to me which is such a great feeling. I dropped her off for school and then had to go and take a drug test for a job that I will be starting on Monday that will end a few days before Christmas. The day was off to a good start! When I arrived home my sister-in-law and her younger sister were reading books in the living room and got me interested in this book called "Go Ask Alice". It consists of nothing but journal writings from this young girl. It is a true story but the book was published by the girls parents who found the journals. They kept themselves anonymous due to the nature of the writings. She was a teen girl who fell into the path of drugs, alcohol and sex. It was a very long battle over a few years with the dealings of moving to a new state and going to a new school. The book is 184 pages and I had the entire book read within 5 hours. It was hard to put it down and honestly I am not much of a reader! Anyways, the book got me in a weird but quiet mood and had me reflecting on my life and the struggles we all deal with from day to day. This girl "Alice" was very confused about relationships and love and I am totally able to relate to her tonight. Just as you think you understand and you think something is about to happen for the better it disappears. Does that make sense? Anyways.....just as I have it figured out in my mind and thinking something good is going to turn out of it I am proved wrong. Why does love have to be that difficult? Why fight it when it feels so right? I am very curious! Makes me wonder why we even try. This is why it is hard for me to open up and trust people. Once you get hurt you shield your heart from getting broken again.....so when that possible right person does come along they have to scale this massive wall to even show you that they really do care and would like a chance to prove it. Many people won't even attempt to climb that wall though! I look at my grandparents and my parents and other family members that married and have stayed married to that one person. WOW why doesn't that happen much anymore? Grandpa asked my cousin and myself at Thanksgiving dinner when we were going to start picking winners that we could stay with for the rest of our lives. GOOD QUESTION! It's not like we want to end up in divorce. Sure wasn't my plan when I decided to marry that man and have a child with him. Is it the difference between how things were back then compared to now? So many things that are common in todays world were hardly talked about or known back then! How many schools back then had daycares so their teen mothers would finish school? How many schools had alternative schools for the rule breakers? How many kids were bringing guns and killing people or dealing drugs....SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! When do we get back to being able to borrow a cup of sugar from the neighbor next door? I know in my neighborhood we are all pretty close but we have all lived here together for about 10 years but even when we first moved in 10 years ago they came over and welcomed us to the neighborhood. Honestly who does that anymore? Last year during our ice storm we leaned on each other giving each other support, electricity, food, warmth, clean laundry, a warm shower! FRIENDS ARE MY FAMILY AND MY NEIGHBORS ARE MY FAMILY. 2 knocks on the door and they walk in and honestly I could care less if they even knocked. I don't have to say come in. If I am not home they know how to get in and are more than welcome to come and borrow something. I am just trying to figure out where it is going wrong. Seriously looking back 30 years to now so much has changed. Now....can you look 30 years ahead and see where we might be? SCARY THOUGHTS.....I am pondering so much right now. I think I need to start reading more often just to keep my thoughts open. I haven't had this kind of feeling in a long time. Not that I am having a good feeling at all. I am actually lost and fighting tears back. Times like this sure does make you think about the reality of life & love. Give me feedback on any parts of this and tell me your thoughts and feelings. If you know of any other books that are true stories like the one I read today please send me the titles and what they are about. I am open to new ideas!

November has come and gone

Well, thanks to Ashli I have a place to blog besides my myspace page. Here we are on top of a new month and looking back on November. I have to say so much has happened this month and I am kinda glad it is over but nervous to see what happens in the coming months. First, I found out that my mom's almost 2 year battle with cancer is coming to an end. I knew this was coming but it still came as a shock to me. I began reflecting on life itself and realized that I had things to do with and for my mom before she is gone. I decided that I was going to make the dreaded call to her dad which I have not spoken to in 7 years! He was friendly at first but wanted to know why I was calling. I explained that momma was not doing well and that I feel that he needs to put his hard stubborn feelings aside and try to make a mends with momma. He harshly said I was 7 years too late. Talk about a knife through the heart! I explained to mom what I had attempted to do and she said she was proud that I at least made an attempt and that it is his loss and she now knows how much he REALLY does care! During this time my brother and I have had a lot of bonding moments and he has realized that he wants to take momma to pick cotton. That is something that she has wanted to do her entire life and has never gotten the chance to do so. At this point I can cry at the drop of a hat! Less than a week after I found out about momma I was given the call the day before Thanksgiving letting me know that I have tested positive for Cervical Cancer. I could not believe I was getting a call like this! I have an appointment to have biopsy's done to see what stage I am in. They say that more than likely I will have to go through some surgery. I have fought endometriosis since 2004 and have been put through menopause 2 times with oral medications and monthly shots. I was told if the endometriosis didn't slow down my only other option was a total hystrectomy (not sure how to spell it sorry) and I have dodged that bullet as long as I can. Now I am looking at that final option again. I dont think I will be able to dodge that bullet as easily though. I was hoping to keep my baby parts just in case for the future. I have one beautiful daughter Averi Diane that turned 5 in August. I am recently divorced but I dont want to take that option away! So .... the good news is that my divorce after 20 months of waiting is finally over! I am officially a Hataway again! So much has happened in the last month that sometimes it is very hard to swallow. I will probably blog on here more than on my myspace page since most of my family members do not have myspace.